Friday, October 15, 2010

This semester has been nothing but amazing. This past weekend we celebrated fall as best as we could. Florida has been tempting us with cooler weather and colder winds. Pumpkin Carving, pizza, and friends was literally all us five girls needed to have a good time. I have met the most amazing people in my life, and ironically we are all going through similar situations in life. It's funny how God places people in your life... for a reason. My friends have all been a blessing to me; whether their here... or Virginia, Idaho, Texas, or Utah. My friends are my life... and literally make me a better person. A happier person :)
This semester has seriously been a blessing in disguise. I've never been happier. Never been more free, more care free, more me. Back to me. I am so happy. And I mean it. We ended up going to Celebration on Saturday. Celebration is this place in Orlando; city or something that is exactly like the Step Ford Wives movie. Literally! The place is adorable. They had vendors everywhere selling anything you could imagine for the month of October. There was a live little band playing oldies, carriage rides... pretty much the works. Then the leaves fell. of course all of us made our way to the front. Past the little kids where the little paper cut out leaves shot out at us. It was honestly so much fun! I felt like a little kid again, even though I was ten feet taller than all the little kids behind me. To end the most perfect night we went to Krispy Kreme. Where the HOT sign was on! They literally melt in your mouth; and if you have not had a Krispy Kreme HOT donut... you do NOT know what you are missing. It is literally heaven in your mouth... delish.
Fake paper leaves. Adorable right?

As good as it gets in the Sunshine State!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Change can be defined as making something different, or a transformation.
CHANGE. Such a big deal, big word, big step... c.h.a.n.g.e.
A person can say they've change or that they have changed. But what makes it believable.
Actions speak louder than words.
What made you change, why do you want to change, if this never happened would you have changed?
Don't change for me, change for yourself. Change for the better.
Change for your happiness and no one else's. Change is scary, and new.
Do you think you're up for the challenge, do you think you can change. It takes time.
It all takes time. Time is all we got. But maybe it's too late.. and there is no more time.
What then? What to do? Will you still change?

Whatever you do, do it for you... and for God... and your happiness.
Time will tell... but I am happy. Content and happy.
God is good every day. Showing his glory to me more and more every day.

Love. Happiness. Truth. I will find it... one day, it's out there.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Life has been going amazing.
I have never been so happy in my life. I can't stop smiling, and it is a real pure smile.
A lot of different things have been happening in my life, and I am loving every second of it.
The weather in Florida has been perfect. I really have been missing Virginia like crazy.
I want the fall leaves and cold weather. The wind has been absolutely amazing. I've been rockin' the long sleeves, socks, and skirts. LOVEit :)
I love that the weather is changing.
Fall, Fall, Fall... leaves, pumpkins, just everything.

This weekend will be perfect.
I am so happy, and so blessed for everything in my life.
Everything has changed and I love it.
I could never be this happy. I have gotten to this point and I am never going back.
Meditating, scripture, and music have kept me sane.
Three powerful things.
Three important things in life.

Oh, and I got a j-o-b.
I'll be making the lovely people of Lakeland's burritos at Chipotle... let's be serious it's kinda cute.
HA :)

Monday, October 4, 2010

You know that moment. When everything falls into place.
Where you aren't just having one of those days, but everything starts to make sense.

Today was one of those days.
Last night I slept. Through the entire night. No irruptions. Pure bliss.
It's as if my mind is clear, or blank.. or just a clean slate. New beginning. 
I have no worries for once in my life and that in itself is a blessing.

I go to a kindergarten class on Mondays, where the children are coming from deprived and broken families. It breaks my heart, but it makes me love these children even more. Today, this little boy who is special needs came up to me and wrapped his little arms around my head. Then he proceeded to kiss my cheek and he just smiled and said "Miss Gattthhhrightttt you're so prettyyyyy." I melted. Here was this child so innocent so sincere like just being so sweet and just the biggest heart. He seriously melted my heart.

Definitely made my entire day, heck my week. I needed that. Children are seriously the biggest gift from God... I love each and every one of them. 

Homework and Studying the rest of the night ;))

Saturday, October 2, 2010

sometimes history repeats itself...

sometimes ;)
Nothing but an empty page
Breathing in an open space
Captured by your moment's grace again
There's so much I left behind
Even more that waits in time
Everything's so undefined
I'm standing on the edge of my fear
And I see it clear

Here's my resolution
I'm letting go
All I need to learn is along this road
And I just want to be the best woman I can be
Breathe, it's my resolution

Living life without a plan
Finding solace where I stand
And learning how to love again
And all I want is something real
That I can feel

Here's my resolution
I'm letting go
All I need to learn is along this road
And I just wanna be the best woman I can be

My resolution


John Tucker Must Die on

John Tucker Must Die on
I know that this is God given. That this happiness, this weight lifted from my shoulders this calm peaceful feeling is from him. It's weird when you think God has walked out of your life, and you are doing it on your own, but after all he has been there the entire time. The silent whisper, the ever so powerful hug, the shoulder to cry on. With every inch of me I know that God hears my cries and catches my tears, well if I had any. But like I just previously stated... this happiness is God given. Happiness comes from God.

God gave me the strength to walk away. To show me that in this life, I am going to be okay. I am going to be just fine. To show me what I really want out of life, and who I want that life with. I need a man of God that will lift me up. Make me a better person, make me want more out of life. You my friend, my once friend... did not do that for me. So it makes it easier. To know that I am one step closer in following God's will in my life. You were placed for a reason, we went through all we did for a reason. But that reason is done. I've never been more happy.

Happiness is weird, because you choose to be happy. It's a choice, but how many of us are truly happy? Truly satisfied...

I am.

With every inch. Every fiber in my body I am happy. Happy and excited for the life ahead of me.

Last night was filled with laughs. C, B, and me all dressed to the nines go out for a girls night. Looking oh so beautiful. Cheese cake factory was the first stop. Where food had not hit my body in about three days, but I sure downed the biggest grilled cheese known to man. With not a plate, but a bucket, like legit classy bucket of golden crisp french fries. Mmm... delish.

The rest of the night was full of fun and eventful memories, that you guessed it are still funny today.
I love my friends and I genuinely love my life. 

Genuinely <3

Friday, October 1, 2010

... sometimes lyrics are better than your own words.

An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what your looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.
...I can't hate you anymore.

Your not the person who you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

I can't hate you anymore.

Monday, September 27, 2010

the only person i can really blame here is me. i fell for your LIES. i fell for it all.
you've brought nothing to me but misery. i believed you, i stuck up for you. i let you back in.
into my life where i was HAPPY. without you; HAPPY without YOU!
you bring nothing good out of me.
tears, sadness, anger.
what have you done to me?
what have i done to myself? i've made this mistake once.
i blame myself.
you're sly, you're clever... i give you that.
i give you points where they are deserved.
but we'll never be what we set out to be. and i'm okay.
i'm numb but OKAY. i kept you a secret. i thought it could work. i thought i was doing the right thing.
so why am i sitting here at 3 am playing the night over and over in my head?
why did you lie, for a lie, to cover up a lie, to explain a lie, to get around a LIE?
key word... LIE.
but again, i blame myself.
for trusting you. for letting you back in.
for believing that people change, for believing you loved me.
you don't know what LOVE is. you don't even love yourself.
but maybe you do, because i don't know you.
you can blame and manipulate and call me crazy.
you made me this way.
i caught you. there's no talking yourself out of this one.
we're through.
i HOPE i never see you again.
i hope you know you embarrassed me, heck you embarrassed yourself.
keep living a life. hiding behind something. pretending to be something your not.
she'll see the real you. the fake you.
tell her how you held me crying that you loved me.
tell her everything. look her in her eyes like you did me. TELL HER.
lie to her some more. she'll believe you, you're good.
but you aren't worth anything. you're dead to me.
i'm numb.
you had me in the palm of your hand.
and again, i blame myself.

it needed to happen, i needed this to.
i hope she knows what she has gotten herself into.
a self conscious tag along wanna be.
and he called us all crazy, he called us all insane. he'll do it to you too sweetie.
give it time.
you're nothing without me. you're a nobody.
you're pathetic and the thought of you makes me cringe.
self less, heart less.
but i blame myself.

you threw four years down the drain.
i guess this weekend should have meant something to us.
why? because it was epic.
because it was ironic.
karma babe, karma.

look her in her eyes and tell her you love her, i feel sorry for her... because i was once her.
i believed you.

this might be erased by morning, but i just told my secret.
my secret was you....

i'm gone.... forever.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

so i am OBSESSED with the sock trend.
(might be an understatement)
people tend to stare... look at my legs/feet
this just proves i stand out.
why fit in? why wear what you're wearing.
i'm bold. i like to STAND out.
and this trend is SUPER cute.
i feel like i have bought every color sock known to man to wear.
does this make me weird? yes.
or just fashionable, whichever.
i love fashion.
i wish i were home in VA.
FLORIDA is killing me with the lame gross hot humid weather.
i want leaves and the smell and breeze of fall.
FAVORITE time of the year.
all time FAVORITE!
i'm starting to dress like its fall.
even if it is blazing here.
on top of my game... you think?
rockin' it before others
not afraid to stand out. not afraid of stares.
i LOVE them.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

If I could have planned my life out. THIS would not have been it.
If I could have seen myself here my senior year of high school. I would have laughed and thought...
But in no sense am I complaining. I am so satisfied. So content in my life.
So completely blessed.
Being dependent on someone for every touch, every thought, every emotion sometimes becomes addicting. That addiction ends and leaves you breathless and you're left alone. Or you think you're alone, but you know that still voice... that silent quite whistle in the corner. You know him... you've heard his voice, and at one time you put something above him and his glory. You put so much effort into someone other than him that you forgot the little things. You forgot how much he did for you. How much he sacrificed and gave up. His unconditional love will never be matched. No human being, no flesh of skin will ever be what he is.. what he will always be. Lord and Savior... Jesus Christ. 
So many times we get caught up in the worldly life. I am guilty of this too. But I find that I stop to think of all the "good" things that God has created. All the good things we have. How everything good came from God. How every good feeling, every happy, laugh, smile and giggle is good. It's all good... and it all is given by the grace of God. How can one even begin to question what is good. How is something good? Look around, look at your life. IT IS GOOD.
What more could you truly ask for... "it is good"
I look back on the last six months... the last roller coaster emotional uproar of something I thought would never end. But was it good? Was it God given for me to feel the hurt? God knows I had the heart and I had the strength to get right back up again. But all he really wanted was for his child to come back to him... to yearn for him. To make him my number one priority. To rely on him and ONLY him.
I love who God has molded me into. I love who I have become, and I will never let anyone take that away from me.
I love the life I live and everyone in it. I went from six months ago thinking I would never feel love again to getting on my hands and knees praying and seeking God. To feel his love... and only his love.
His love is all I need. All that I ever need. I will never let that slip my mind again...

God's LOVE. 

Monday, September 13, 2010

life is chaotic. BUT what is most important is to SLOW down.
and appreciate all that is around you. the sun, the sky, the birds... and more importantly just LIFE.
friends, laughter, love, and smiles.
i've tried this in my own life.
stopping to just have a conversation. just have a laugh. just ENJOY life.
without stress, without worry, without a care in the world.
life is p e r f e c t.
you stop worrying and you start living.
in virginia there are signs of fall.
in florida... well NOT so much.
i want hay, and pumpkins, and candy corn. the works.
october is so festive and fun.
halloween. i'm going to be minnie. 

this weekend was perfect.
anna maria island. paradise.
beach. sun. friends. fun. laughing. late nights. and early mornings.

another week... manic monday.
let the good times roll... literally.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


it would be easy to sit here. complain, whine, and just blame someone.
but i am better then those actions. BETTER!
God has his hand in everything. his heart in everything.
he KNOWS all. i am aware.
my faith is really being tested. to an extreme.
i have found that sometimes i stray away from God when something bad happens.
the past few days i have done the TOTAL opposite.
c o m p l e t e 180.
God is number one. not on the back burner.
first and foremost.
if that is good. then everything will fall into place. one way or the other.
life happens.
but God is on my side.
always and f o r e v e r!
number one in my mind, heart, and soul.
when i feel that i am incapable of doing something i look to him.
my one and only.
the king of all kings. the creator of all. my father in heaven.
i would be NOTHING without him.
i am the girl i am today because of him and his blessings.

prayer still in my h e a r t.
i will not lose faith and not lose hope.
God doesn't give up on me so i won't give up on him and his plan.

d a d d y <3
i l o v e y o u

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

did i mention i LOVEmyLIFE.

...prayer in my heart. ALWAYS (daddy)
be faithful. have HOPE. God knows all!!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

floriDUH.. sunSHINE state!

another week.
here in sunny florida. or is it? because i am pretty sure that two hurricanes are headed this way.
the breeze feels nice. however, i could do without the rain.
my hair frizzes. CUT tomorrow. a little shorter. bangs. the whole deal.
21 credits is al ready kicking my butt. i find myself al ready stressed.
but i breathe. and pray. and stay calm.
life is amazing. i am SO happy. so content. and just happy focusing on myself.
and my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
so here at SEU they offer us to go to Israel for a semester, however i don't want to be another semester behind.
BUT today they informed us the first 35 students to pay and sign up WILL go this summer.
five weeks. WHERE JESUS walked. everywhere. the feeling the emotion. the spirit.
i knew right then and there. i HAVE to go. i am MEANT to go.
i will DO anything. i am praying like crazy.
it won't leave my mind. I HAVE TO GO. what an experience.
like once in a lifetime.
just can't even imagine. can't bring it to words.
as far as everything else in life. loving life.
working out. classes. homework. great talks. good laughs.
SEU has such a spirit here on campus that you can't describe.
i feel the spirit everywhere.
i love the woman i am becoming each and every day.
i am molding into who i will be. as a wife. a mother. and woman to expand Heavenly Father's kingdom.
my life begins today.

this is what i choose.
this is my life.
one day. one BEAUTIFUL day at a time.
tomorrow will be even better than today.
it just HAS to be.

Heavenly Father has a plan. and i am learning to not plan out my life... and just wait for his plan.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

classes. chaos. running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
it feels so amazing to be back. i am so fortunate to have parents who pay for me to go to such a wonderful and uplifting school. i am truly blessed and i owe it all to my mommy and daddy.
without them i would not be here. getting the experience of a lifetime.
day two of class today. added another. now will consist of four consecutive classes.
plus chapel. oh and 6 am p90x... and my night class with meesa.
exhausted on tuesday and thursdays might be an understatement.
monday wednesday and friday will be a breeze.
it's hard going all summer with no work to now all this school work.
overwhelming. boggles my mind at times.
year and a half left of classes.
this semester is going to be amazing.
new friends. new people. new everything.
it's so refreshing and so exciting at the same time.
the weekend is approaching.
eeeKKKkk. can't wait to get crazy with the girls.
LOVEit. and life. of course.

"i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

chapel has been amazing. i feel God so close. i am so in tuned with the spirit.
such a GREAT feel here on campus.
tonight should be interesting....

should be.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

the past few days have gone by slow. BUT FAST. at the same time.
i left virginia, with tears in my eyes and bags packed to the fullest. 
the flight was delayed. for two hours. hurricane season is not something i enjoy about florida.
after awaiting a long time, i finally arrived in orlando, florida.
took the drive to lakeland, which took 45 minutes.
got to lakeland, with no way to check in my room here at school.
i was homeless. luckily i have friends. reuniting and being with people i haven't seen all summer is well...
PERFECT! i love my friends. i love laughing. i love staying up talking about EVERYTHING
that happened this summer. catching up is so fun. but it's like none of us ever left.
we picked up right where we LEFT.
i moved in the following day. in pouring down rain. finally got settled. 
FINALLY feels like home. 
again... PERFECT.
i am trying to not be stressed with school and everything. 
it's coming so fast. 8 am class tomorrow. and just SO much to get figured out.
ahhhHH... but life is amaZIINGGG.
i have been bouncing from group to group... people to people. just meeting, mingling, and loving life.
WHO wouldn't? honestlyyyy.
enjoying every second of my life.
God is going to work in amazing ways this semester. i FEEL it.
i woke up at 6 am this morning. p90x. 
stretching and yoga in the mix. with the great view of an entire soccer team.
who could complain. not me and my chinky eyes at 6 am thats for sure.
BUT it gave me the energy and spirit i needed for today.
i have been figuring out school. money. a job. life. and everything all today.
still getting settled.
LOVE my room mates. LOVE even more that they are two of my best friends.
oh, and whoever was wondering girl world is finally at peace.
how you ask.... simple. I AM A BETTER PERSON.
i prayed for the strength and God gave it to me. 
i aspire to be like Christ each and every day... and i feel better with the strength God has given me.
smiles. laughs. no DRAMA. 
tonight hunger and thirst. i hunger to be closer to Heavenly Father.
i thirst for it alllll. that relationship with Heavenly Father. that closeness. 
if i have HIM that is all i need. 

tomorrow is class. another semester. soaking everything up.
livin' day by day. 

Friday, August 20, 2010

i don't want to leave.
i'm not ready.
i feel like this is the millionth time i'm leaving.
i'm a senior this year. in college.
well plus a semester.
but still senior.
i've been in college for four years.
how insane. how crazy.
i am so over moving back and forth.
i can't wait for the day that i am not so scattered. 
leaving stuff here and there.
at my home.
i'll miss it. everything.
my family, my friends, just my home.
i'll miss my bed. my room. how i still get scared in my own room.
i'll miss waking up to birds chirping. to the sun beaming in on my face. waking me up.
i'll miss laying by my pool. listening to music. drinking a cherry limeade. 
ahhh... home.
my mom, my dad, my brother. my family.
missing you al ready.
more than you know or will ever realize.
i won't get much sleep tonight. a lot on my mind.
just not ready to leave. i hate goodbyes.
why does this one seem different then all the rest.
i'll be seeing you virginia... it was fun for these last few months.
i'm glad i can always call you home.
so i kind of have an obsession with trunks.
i have two from my great grand parents.
they hold things from my childhood that i want to pass down to my children. (girls). i guess you could call them my hope chests. or my memory chests.
well i got a NEW one. obsessed.
is an understatement. my dad got it for me.
it came with stickers all over it.
just random places where of course i WANT to go.
hope to go.
now i WANT to add my stickers from places i've been.
something i can pass down to my children. i find it exciting.
of course i have been to a lot of places, so i am hoping i can get stickers from online.
it is an obsession.
this trunk is different.
this trunk holds everything up to now.
from middle school. to high school. to college. to NOW.
filled with old memories. old friends. letters. EVERYTHING.
ballerina costumes. cheering uniforms. A LOT.
and it all fit.
ALL my printed pictures. all my accomplishments.
all happy memories.
some sad. but MOST good memories.
it was so fun to put everything in there and see the ending.
it was FUN.
it was like re-living all those years.
some embarrassing. some obsessions. heartaches. puppy love.
ahhh... it's just funny the things i kept.
now it is all in one chest.
i now have three chests.
should make moving A LOT more easy.

when the time comes out.
did i mention i can't even lift it now.
yea, hahaha A LOT of memories.
i can't to be old and look back on my life.
no regrets.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

no words. no thoughts. or a million thoughts running through my head.
that's what i didn't know for nine years.
that's what i had to look forward to.
like whattttt.
mind blowing.

like you told me stuff i needed to hear.
you said things no one has ever said to me.
it was sweet. it made me smile. heck, it made me giggle.
but thanks, for making me smile.
thanks for saying what you have been afraid to say.
sorry i made you nervous. sorry i was ever mean.

stillllll... speechless.
still in shock. did that just happen?
i was there right? like, memories surrounded us.
it's funny, i never knew what you told me.
i never stopped to know.
i should pay better attention. i should have looked at you differently.
but what memories we share.
through the arguments, and laughs, and cries. there was still something.
that something showed itself.

i just want to say thanks to you.
you helped me. and whether you know it or not you mean something to me.
we'll always be those friends.
those same friends we were.
and will be. in years to come.

still in shock. still speechless.
and STILL asking myself did that just happen.
yes, cierra it did just happen.

we went out with a bang, a well awaited bang.
two nights left in virginia.
for quite some time.
as i sit in my room i ponder on a lot.
who i was when i came home this time.
plans, thoughts, and goals.
all which have changed. for the BETTER.
i came home torn.
i leave content. not torn.
i leave with a state of sadness. because of my family. and because of what this summer has done for me.
it has been rough. it has surely had it's ups and downs.
i affected those around me, and more importantly i affected myself.
i never want to be at that place again.
i am beginning to learn to make choices for myself and no one else.
few things in life i have done for myself.
being baptized in the church of jesus christ being one.
two years ago last month i was baptized. i still remember that feeling.
how the water felt. how i FELT. more importantly.
when i came out of the water what joy, happiness. nothing else mattered.
i knew i had made the right decision. 
i remember going into the bathroom to change. looking well rather gross. but not caring.
i jumped up and down scattering water every where in my little white jump suit.
i have struggled with that decision ever since.
parents, friends, family, and others question my faith and question me.
question my motives and more times then others what start in friendly discussions end in a heated religious debate.
i never once asked for someone to understand. but its hard being a convert. i struggle EVERY DAY.
and not saying regular members do not struggle. but it is hard keeping your faith strong when everything around you is telling you to do other wise. 
i have been active, non active, active, active, then not active again.
it's a struggle every day.
but i make it through.
i know everyones faith is tested. i just remember back to those feelings.
on that day. and i smile.
because i made that decision on my own.
i did.
for me. and myself.
one decision i made all by myself and for myself.
it's been one of my only right decisions. 

i thank the people in my life that keep my faith alive. keep me alive. my spirit and righteousness. 
god knows where my heart is, and he knows me.
i am forever grateful for my heavenly father and all the blessings that he has given me.
for giving me agency to make the decisions i do in life.
the right decisions. the right way. the right path.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

you know that feeling. that you overcame something.
that you made it to that point. and once you hit that point there is no turning back.
like you know after making it to that point nothing changes.
well i made it.
the day before last.
then my phone rang. it was a number i once knew. a number i secretly wanted to see.
but i didn't. but then i did.
all the emotions ran back. that took seven days to simmer.
and on the seventh day God rest. this was my rest.
my seventh day. MY SEVENTH day.
and you ruined that. YOU always ruin everything.
you ruined us. you you you.
but thanks for the help you gave. for a split second it felt as if you cared again.
but you care for me just as you care for the next girl. you would have done it for anyone.
i'm no different. i never have been.
i'm a friend. love is different when you aren't "in love" with someone. thanks for showing me that.

see i will believe in love again. I WILL.
i will get it. that insane. breathtaking. heart ponding. palms sweating. butterfly stomach. romantic nightttts.
someone out there is going to love me for me.
no in between.
every little silly. quirky. weird. crazy. funny thing about me.
they will love the little things about me.
not notice my flaws. be infatuated with me and with being with me.
i can't wait for someone to look at me like i'm the only girl in the room.
like they have never seen a single soul until they saw me.
what bliss.
what a hope. dream. what a thoughtttt.
i know you're out there... and you're waiting for me just like i'm waiting for you.

come find me... when i'm ready. better yet when you're ready.
i'll still be here... becoming who i need to become for you.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

you know that feeling of sure bliss.
the feeling of doing absolutely nothing.
that was MY DAY.
allll dayyyyy.

i loved itttt. 
every second.
happiness is a choice. and i choose it.
it is the greatest feeling.

this time next week i'll be in florida.
mixed emotions. happy/sad
i'm ready to see what God has in store for me this semester.
but i'm going to miss my family.

i laughed so hard today with my mom.
that i fell to the floor.
i love that feeling of laughing til tears swell up in your eyes.
i haven't laughed that hard in forever.

i love that feeling.
i love being home.
watching old movies. being carefree, and young.
because i am young.
i LOVE my life.

i have so many blessings. so much going for me.
God is truly good. all day. every dayyy.
eat pray love has inspired me.
has made me look at my life in a whole new way.
God has a plan for me.
not on my time, but his time.
and i'm ready for the journey.
i'm ready to trust.
i've gained that happiness back.

eat pray love quotes.
"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. "

"You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions."

"Eventually everything goes away."

"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control."

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..."

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

and, believe in LOVE again....
i figured i would start reading the actual book that has been sitting on my book shelf for quite sometime.
this is exactly what i needed. exactly.
i'll look back and all of this will be a memory. you will be a memory. but i now know it's okay to miss you, it is... but then let it go. goodbye to who i used to know. hello to who i am yet to know.
love my life. and all i'm learning on a daily basis.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

a good morning run. a solid lay out with girl talk non stop with courtney.
we of course incorporated sonic drinks within the mix. and continued girl talk.
talks of life, love, happiness, friends, LIFE, MORE love, sadness, along with giggles and laughs.
i love laughing. i love laugh lines. its beautiful to me.

there is nothing better then showering after a long day in the sun.
i love when my nose gets red. i find it super cute.
i decided to try and part my hair in the middle.
my bangs are getting long. i'm growing them out.
it's fun to change up. i'm not sure how i feel about it.

got ready. dinner with the parents. full of buttered rolls. and a caesar salad.

sitting waiting for the storm. complete my day.
with rain, thunder, and wind.
LOVE ITT. loveee lifeee. love it alllll.

i extended my time of being home.leaving for flor-i-DUH on saturday(i think)
i love not knowing my next move in life.
but they all expect me to react. i know what they are all thinking.
i won't.
i'm better than that. than you. than HER.
kill em' with kindness. and laugh inside.
she'll never be me, NEVER.

i'm irreplaceable.
players don't die they just try their luck at another game...
true story.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

i have a bunch of thoughts right now.
how well i'm doing. and how happy i actually am.
i have no more tears to cry.
no more sad songs to hear.
too late for you. not soon enough for me.
you barely cross my mind.
i rarely think of you.
i never thought i would get to that point. but I DID. me all by myself.
so strong. so powerful. so me.
so in control. my life, it's back.

three simple words life went on... without you (:
you'll look back and miss me, and i'll look back and laugh.
it's a new chapter. new life. new me.

this time next week i'll be in florida.
a week from then school will start.
and i'm more then okay.
i'm ready. and I REALLY AM.

california on my mind more than ever.
life takes a turn, for the better.

i'm loving it all. and learning so much about myself and who i want to be.
and who i want in my life.

Friday, July 30, 2010

late thoughts

I sit here currently staring at my phone... wondering why it hasn't rang. So I made it easy on myself and cut it off. It's been three days. What happened? What did I do? Do I actually deserve this again?
Guys are funny, shutting down when you need them most.
I believe you, I said I believed you... and I said I would still be here... and you have chosen to run. To where? To her? To someone new? Something exciting and less drama.
It will catch up to you.. give it time. Things aren't perfect forever. It's life.. and you work through it. I was ready to work through it with you. I was ready to put it behind me. I was I was. You know I am hearing a lot of I in this situation and not enough "you." That's right because you haven't been present, and you probably won't be. You haven't been the one fighting. You haven't been the one crying yourself to sleep... waking up 13 pounds lighter and looking at yourself in the mirror questioning where did you lose yourself. No that wasn't you... and it hasn't been you.

So if you love something you set it free? If it comes back it's yours to keep. If not, then it wasn't meant to be.
I want to believe the first part... I'm just waiting for you to prove it.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Saturday, July 17, 2010

one girls trash...

is another girls treasure....

That could not be anymore than true. You know that stuff that you hold onto just "because." For that rainy day, for that one outfit, for that time you 'think' you will need it. Well I know longer own any of those things. I admit I have clothes that could probably be given to an entire army, something I am not necessarily proud of.. but I am a semi-shopaholic. So I cleaned my entire room out, it's spotless. My closet... empty. My drawers... empty. So twenty trash bags and ten bins later... I had a LEGIT clean room. Now I just have the necessities. The essentials. At least that my room needs for right now. I am only here what two months out of the year... why hold onto those things !
So I had myself a little yard sale... little... okay HUGE.
I didn't even argue with people, oh a dollar, oh two.. oh just take it. Like I want it gone !
So after dealing with the families of mexicans and the crazy deal grandma's I finally came to a grand total of $400. Oh hiii... 400, like are you kidding. Insane. I sold a bunch of junk for that.. it's kind of comical to me.

So literally one girls trash.. is another's treasure. Legit statement.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Why am I holding on.
When did I allow it to get this far.

I've lost Cierra, I've lost myself...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Okay.. so everyone pretty much says "I'm destined for bigger, better things." You know the kind of talk you usually here from a high school senior who is 18 and just ready to leave the town they came from. Well, this is not necessarily the case for me. True, I was that 18 year old abercrombie and fitch wearing girl that wanted more out of life than what the town I had grown up in offered. It's not like I'm one of those that thought I was going to be famous, I just wanted a life outside of Richmond, but that I could always come back and call this place 'HOME'. I did it. No matter what anyone said, I got away from here.. and the passed three years have grown up. Grown up into someone that I actually love. Because at the end of the day you have to love yourself or who else will? I went to two different colleges the past three years.. knowing not ONE soul at either. I like being put in those situations. It taught me a lot about myself, and it allowed me to seek out what I wanted and who I wanted in my life. It's been a crazy three years... but I wouldn't change a second of it...
I get to thinking about my life from time to time.. actually who am I kidding.. ALL THE TIME. You see I graduate in a year and a half. Yea, It should be a year but who really is counting. Transfer credits will get you every time. Except... with one more year I can do the rest of my classes online and then be done. I have options, I can MOVE again ! But where... and when AAAahhhh I think about it daily. There are so many things running through my mind. My mind is towards the west for sure... but you know I think I'm done making plans... I like the whole mystery of not knowing and just going with the flow. It's a lot more fun that way...

but I'll keep you posted if I just hop off and leave one day ;)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Fourth OF Jaaa LLYYYY :)

The Richmond Squirrels Game for Fourth of July !
With my Family... was awesome. It was my first official night home, and I have not been home in six months.. so for me it was kind of a big deal. We all went to the game.. and it was extremely hot, but it started to cool down as it got later. I thought the game was never going to end. I was just so ready for the fireworks. Daddy bought me a hot dog... which is strictly what a true American should eat on Fourth of July. When I think of Fourth of July I think of hot dogs, fireworks, baseball.. and of COURSE freedom. Honestly, how lucky are we to live in the country that we do. I am so thankful and blessed everyday to say my colors are the RED WHITE & BLUE ! True American pride.. for sure. The game ended and we won ! The fireworks were awesome... I loved every second of it.
The exciting part if that my dad still has a box of fireworks we need to crack open... sparklers I must say are my favorite so I am hoping somewhere in that box is a nice little gift for me.. sparkler styles :) This Fourth of July was perfect... being back home and with my family is incredible. I better enjoy it while I can... two months and I'll be back to the sunshine state... time flies. That's for sure..

Happy Fourth :)


So I finally had my trip with my best friends to VEGAS!
It was beyond incredible. There were enough memories during that one week to last me an entire lifetime. I got maybe close to six hours of sleep the entire week, ate almost close to nothing... and still somehow managed to take not 100, not even 300... but 840 pictures to remember each second (literally) of the entire trip.

The flight out there was alright. I read my latest book, Chelsea Handler. The book is about how she went through a horrible break up and then proceeded to have all these one night stands. It is hilarious to say the least... it kept me entertained for the most part on the way there. We of course bumped into a three hour time difference which had our mental clocks all jacked up by the time we got to VEGAS, but we were ready. We hoped off the plane, checked into New York New York and hit the club scene. With our first stop being Coyote Ugly. My guess upon entering was... it's going to be just like the movie !! Wrong... I don't know where they found these girls but pretty was not in their definition for sure. I mean that sounds rude, yea... okay it does... I'm sorry. But I guess the movie just hyped up my expectations.. and I took it out on them. Poor choice. The rest of the night consisted of hanging out and having a blast.. until five oclock in the morning. PERFECT.

The following day was full of site seeing. I was obsessed. Everything was intriguing to me, and I wanted a picture with every corner of the strip. The plus side to the west coast is NO HUMIDITY. If I could just move there for that luxury... well then I would be set. This hair does not do well with the humidity that Florida and Virginia provide it with. Anyway... so Vegas is known for there Buffets. So OF COURSE. That was the plan for lunch, at Caesar's Palace. Where I managed to consume... 50 peeled shrimp... along with the entire dessert area... and of course watermelon and cantaloupe; I could eat that stuff for days. It was incredible, and I enjoyed every second of it... my belly popped out with the biggest food baby after that one. That night we got dolled up and hit the strip... and of course took more pictures. That night was pretty low key, but still a ball.

The following day was the Cabana day. We got a Cabana for the entire day... where we got food, drinks, and just all that your little heart could ever imagine. It was like our own personal mini beach... it was insane. We relaxed in the wave pool and the lazy river. The day was incredible. Had to have been my favorite day by far....

Of course, that is just a touch of what happened in Vegas... but as the saying goes 'What happens in Vegas.. well STAYS..' so a smidge of the fun is just what you are getting....

hehe :)

Sunday, June 27, 2010

VeGAS bouND !

Well, after several months of PLANNING.. ANTICIPATINGGgg.. and WAITINNnGgg !!! Our VEGAS TRIP is FINNallyyy HEREEE !!!
We leave tomorrow :)) and by TOMORROWWww NIGGHHTTtt I will be there LIVVInnggg itt UUpp !!!
It's time to dress hot, look HOT, feel good, and have an amazing/relaxing VACATIONNNnn ;))

Life is nothing short then amazing right now. No complaints, no stresses. Just ear to ear smiles and laughter like I have never had before! It's a good feeling when you need no one but yourself and God to complete you. I am so blessed for my life and everything in it, and I cannot wait to get home to my biggest blessing in life... MY FAMILY :)

This past week I have seen two movies. Yea, summer is all about the movies... and I admit I am obsessed. First, Toy Story 3. Gosh, it makes me feel old because in the theater were people my age... like where are the little kids at? But, then I realized that that movie came out when I was young, at least the first one. I guess it was something 'my generation' grew up. It was seriously an emotional movie.. I CRIED. Literally! It was so good. Then I saw the movie Grown Ups which had a bunch of amazing actors. I am obsessed with Adam Sandler. The man is pure a genius. Uhh.. every movie he makes I laugh ten times harder. It was a good movie, and so true. Go out and see it, you won't be disappointed... promise ;) Other then buried myself in movies.. I have done nothing but pack up my apartment and work WORK workkKK.

Life Love and Happiness.
the end ;)

Sunday, June 20, 2010


i feel like when i wear glasses i look smarter, heck i feel smarter. the bigger the better. and fake, yea thats a plus too.
i'm a nerd... it's the little things in life that keep me going :)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Happy Fathers Day.

For the man that would give it all up just so I would have it all. This is for him. The man that gave me my heart, my spirit, and my personality... and gave me so much more than meets the eye. My father is an inspiration to me everyday. He came from a past that most can't imagine, and we didn't always live the most perfect life... but at the end of the day he loved us unconditionally. He would do anything for me hands down no questions asked. He really is the most important man in my life, and it took me 21 years to finally know and appreciate that. At times I know he feels unappreciated... and I myself am to blame. I should have hugged him tighter, and told him I loved him more... I take the little things he does for granted.
I still remember being little and my daddy having to brush my hair because my mom was unable to do it because she didn't get the knots out like dad. Or no matter what I had going on... dance, cheering, twirling, pageants, he was always there no matter what. My dad is a man of strength and a man of soul. A recovering addict... my father is a story for most. He has been through it all.. and has transformed his life and for that I am forever grateful. For that simple reason... we have become closer than we have ever been before. God knew what he was doing when he made me his daughter. He needs me just as much as I need him. I love my father more and more everyday, and I am so thankful for him in my life. I am truly blessed. I am blessed to know I have a male figure in my life that no matter what will always be there... and to say that I have a relationship with him... something that I used to not have... means the world to me. I am proud to call him my father. I am not ashamed of our past or what came of it... because at the end of the day... he is my father, and I love him. I can't imagine life without my father... I would miss him dearly.
A few fun facts about Zeph Garthright (My daddy)
He is all about schedule and time. If you're late you will KNOW IT.
He thinks he is right about everything.
He has a routine... where he gets his coffee (McDonalds) to where he eats... during the day.
He also stops at every convenient store on Hull Street Road. He knows every Indian that owns a gas station.
He plays the lottery every day.
He loves going to the horse track.
He wears visors so much that he has a permanent tan from them.
He is a golfer/sport lover at heart.
He loves ice cream and anything he can put into a bowl with milk.
He makes the weirdest concoctions when it comes to food... that it can gross you out.
He has the most genuine giving heart out of anyone I have met.
He gets excited about the littlest things.
He is a bargain shopper.
He has never met a stranger.
and he is a shopoholic... and when I mean shopoholic I mean it. he takes it to a whole new level.

I love my dad cus he's just like me... we're just alike... I could tell him well wow Dad your hair sure is looking a little thin.. you might wanna check that out.. and he will go in the bathroom and check it out. While he'll tell me I'm looking a little chubby, and I'll do the same exact thing.
gah, I love that man.
Happy Father's Day Daddy, I love you :)

CAN'T be tamed.

Current Mood: Happy :)
and thinking that it's weird I am drinking iced coffee from Mcdonalds at 12:30 at night... well I have a headache and I don't take medication so I thought some form of caffeine after work would get the job done.. and I was right ! Hopefully I am not up until 6 am again.. because I have a plan to go to Forever and H&M.

You know what I'm sick of the classic line of someone telling you, "It takes ___ amount of years, months, days, weeks to get over someone."Part of a side of me that doesn't exist wants to be like wait hold up what, who died and made you a relationship expert. It's as if someone has an actual clock of when they know exactly when you will feel quote un quote "okay". If that isn't the most odd thing I have ever heard. Let's get real there is no countdown to how long it takes a person to get over a person they have known for four years... this isn't math class... and this isn't a multiple choice test answer on the SAT. As much as we all wish it was... those calculations don't work.
The fact is I KNOW I deserve better, and that's all that matters. But the even sadder fact is that I am still talking about it three months later... let me blame myself for that.
It's funny a guy says he doesn't want you, treats you like complete dirt... but then can't seem to let you go, why is that? Because he figures a door mat is better than none at all. Because he loves the fact that you'll still be around, and the fact that he's changed the game and now he is in control. I admit I've been just as dumb as the next girl... in my time. Fact is, you aren't worth another breath, another thought, another word. Let me leave you right where you left me, nowhere. Let me leave you broken with no answers. See guys think we owe them something, when we owe them nothing. They are quite comical. See, I won't have any regrets. Months will pass, I'll move on... I'll find happiness again. Because it's out there, and I don't need a guy to show me that. I have been happy with myself for quite sometime and I'm not letting some little boy take that away from me.
(Just some words to the wise... or whoever listens)
In other news... my life is exciting. It ALWAYS is. I look back on things that happen and I just laugh.. like, "Did that really just happen?" Yup, literally welcome to my life.
I am in fact searching for something new. A new hobby something fun. I'm thinking YOGA could be kinda cool. Like could be legit. I could get me a little mat... work out in my dorm next semester. It's possible. I could start baking, but that could only add to the loveliness of my love handles, and who really wants that during bikini season. I run a lot but that gets old REAL fast. Especially since my darn knees act up so much. So, I'm leaning towards YOGA... it just seems exciting, and I have done it a couple of times so I'm looking forward to venturing out and trying some new work out stuff.
As of something currently going on in my head.... I have put off doing my laundry for two months now. I am not even JOKING. I look at the pile of clothes.. as they continue to rise and rise and I say to myself every day, "Oh I'll get to that tomorrow." Which never really happens. Is it bad I actually have clothes that last me that long, or underwear for that matter. I literally could go another month, but I won't. This needs to get done. I am going home, and I'm pretty sure Di (my mom) doesn't want me dropping off the goods in the laundry room as soon as I get home.
Which I can't wait to be home. That place is perfect. When you are away from home as much as I am you begin to love the things you generally hate. For example the sound of the garage door at 5 am is something I LOATH on a regular basis, but I am super pumped for it. Or the fact that my house is a zoo. You see another fun fact about the GARTHRIGHTS. They think that every animal in the known history needs to be rescued, and brought to our household. Don't get a weird idea of a nasty smelly house, Di keeps it tidy.. and the animals are well behaved. We have four cats a dog and a fish. First off let me introduce you to the fish, one of my infamous exes gave it to me before I went away to my freshman year of college. The little guy traveled from Florida... back to Virginia and has lived in his happy little bowl since. Four years strong, aren't those things supposed to die after a day, yea lucky me. Stuck with the reminder that I named it after his last name, and reluctantly said when the fish dies the relationship does. Too bad the fish is still kicking... as for the other rescued animals. They make our household a little bit more entertaining. Max... our dog doesn't bark. He's odd... and shy.. and hates people. He looks like a big hairy bear, unless he is shaved. The poor little guy is sweet though... he managed to get hit by a car run away for a week.. then found and currently hops with a gimp, but it the most adorable little thing. He's a favorite. Drum roll onto my moms reason for living. Her cats. They are her babies... sometimes I think she loves them more than me. I have this weird image that she gives them my room when I leave... because LUCKY me all four are obsessed with my room, and think they own it when I'm home. We have... Bailey (named after George Bailey on It's a wonderful Life; me and mom's favorite Christmas movie) - she's scared of people and life... we never see her.. she get's lost in our house and comes around almost never. Then there's Maddie... who thinks she's a princess. Mom says she's normal and not a city cat. Like really Mom.. hahaha. She kills me, but I swear you would think they are human. The girl is insane, and drives me insane... but she was the cat I got when my other cat got poisoned by the neighbor when I was a wee one. Yea, poisoned... sick right? Can't forget about the last two Simba and Nala... yeaup you guessed it from the Lion King. Nothing gets more cliche than that right? Simba got tore up by a pit bull.. Dad saved her.. and Mom couldn't let her go. He is the only nice cat we have. The last is a span of Satan. She's pure evil and spoiled to a core. Nala. He meow is annoying, and she drives me insane. But back to what I was saying... I have oddly enough missed all of them being away from home so long. I can't wait for the little boogers to run in my room in the morning to wake me up. CAN'T WAIT. I can't wait to roll out of bed with my sleepy eyes, throw my bikini on and jump into the pool. Then konk out later to wake up fried. I can't wait for Dad to bring home dinner and hear my family talk about the random stuff we do. My family is seriously hilarious. I love them. We only have each other, and that's what makes us so close. I also can't wait for my mom to wake up and be ancy and come wake me up because she is bored and wants to do something. Which usually ends up at the mall and Ocharlies for salads and rolls. AaaHHHhh I just can't wait. You have no idea. Getting away from here for awhile will be the smartest thing I have done in awhile.

as of now.

Vegas in in 8 days. Virginia is right after. I will be home for the FOURTH. I am way excited.
Me and my family are going to the Richmond Flying Squirrels Baseball Game. Is it weird I am super pumped for that. Well I don't care. I am just ready to be out of Lakeland. Virginia is going to be a blast... and we'll see where life takes me after that.
Sometimes I wish I had the money to just travel. Do what I want no care in the world. This whole school thing just doesn't seem for me... as I head into my fourth year. I can stick it out for a year and a half right... yea I can.
So this whole mean girl jealousy bit is getting old. Heck, I've been going through it since High School. It gets old when you reach the age of 21. All I can do is laugh really, sit back and look at what fools they make themselves look like. I mean it makes me feel good to have people talk about me as much as they do, because a fan club is pretty awesome in my book. Gah, girls are super annoying.. and I am one. Perfect. Sometimes I wish I was a guy, but they are just as screwed up as us. If not worse.

I've yet again learned another life lesson this week.
... you learn to trust no one but yourself.

and my life continues to move on.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

HAPpy ((:

" i like my money where i can see it... hanging in my closet. "

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

i LOVE you.

This post is just to boast about my friend BRIT. This girl is amazing. HANDS DOWN. It's weird... our friendship actually started on facebook. We were instant friends. We're opposites, yet we're the same I would say. I envy Brit so much, she is drop dead gorgeous and is honestly the strongest girl I have EVER met. She is so spiritual and she just brings me up, I honestly am blessed that Heavenly Father brought her into my life. Our friendship is way more online and this and that updating each other, but she just understands me and she always knows the EXACT things to say. Seriously such an amazing girl of God. I remember Brit being so strong and fierce when I first started hanging out with her, I wanted so bad to have that attitude. To not let a single soul run me over. She's so real... she has no idea how much I look up to her. Honestly through our friendship and our deep talks I have learned so much. Although I do regret not hanging out as much as I would have liked when I was there that one summer semester. I know that this is only the beginning of me and Brits friendship. I can only hope to one day be as strong of a person and spiritual of a person as she is. She is beautiful inside and out, and I love her to death. I wish I could be with her right now, and we could get chips and salsa... and limeades and just lay in bed and cry and laugh and cry some more. I just want you to know Brit that you have impacted my life in more ways than one, and you are such a blessing to me to have in my life.
I MISS YOU, and I want to see you soon. Hopefully I can make that happen... i love you!!

Monday, June 7, 2010


So I admit I have not kept up with the Hills for the entirety of seasons as they have had. Needless to say, does not mean that I love watching it when I can. See, the two schools I have been to had a block on MTV. I mean nothing to completely die over, but it did make for watching shows on my computer a lot more entertaining. I learned to love it. But this season I am totally locked in. Kristin is no Lauren that is for sure, and I must so I was a complete Laguna Beach whore. I owe all the seasons, don't judge me. It's hard to believe how long ago that show was on, again with the making me feel old. So, in the past I hated Kristin, but now I LOVE HER. So back in the day I was a total LC to a tee, but now I relate to Kristin completely. The whole thing right now that she is going through in the show, uhm my life. Or it has been my life for about three weeks. Her little Brody thing, and I mean who would admit that right? Uhm... me. No big deal, what do I care. But now I should be on a man hunt... right? Wrong. I think it's time for some me time. Or whatever that really means. I heard this song the other day, about just enjoying alone time. I must say I do... I love running the lake and blaring my ipod like no one can touch me. Or driving around Lakeland just doing whatever... or completely not answering to anyone. That is the life isn't it. Gah, I am getting more and more ideas of what I want to wear in Vegas. You see I feel like I need to plan it out, actually go shopping for stuff so that I am well prepared with fabulous outfits. It's all about the look. Could I just go into Kristin or Lauren's wardrobe for five minutes.. I'm sure I could find somethingggg.

So this post was pointless to some extent but... I love the Hills, and sadly enough I like the drama. Possibly because it is not my own... but who cares...

Three weeks til VEGAS :)

Sunday, June 6, 2010

am I missing something here?

So I'm 21 and it's crazy you know I used to think I had life figured all out. I was gonna marry my high school sweet heart and live happily ever after, which that would have been an epic fail. I was never in love with him, I think obsession had taken me over. Or more recently I thought I was gonna marry my best friend who I met my freshman year of college. Well that again was a complete and total bust. I do not understand how a guy can one day tell you how madly in love with you he is, and he is ready to spend the rest of his life with you. We had our children's names picked out and everything. And then what, what happened between the three months you decided to be with me, and our three year friendship down the drain did it change. It's like life is simply passing me by. I see all of my closest friends, and friends, even acquaintances in that happily ever after I thought I would have had by now. I am in no rush to hurry my life up don't get me wrong, but really it is as if the ENTIRE world around me is in a relationship, engaged, married, or married and with baby on the way. Where did I miss the memo to have all this done by the time I was 21? It was as if I woke up one morning and everything had changed, including my own life.
This summer was supposed to be the BEST summer of my life? I definitely have learned by now to not put all hope in something. Here's my problem.. I would rather worry about someone else's needs before my own. I will pretend as if I am okay... when I really am not.
Maybe what I thought God had planned for my life took a toll for something different. I left Virginia for a reason. I went to Idaho for another. I came to Florida for the second time for another, but maybe it wasn't the reason I was thinking. Maybe it was something even more.
I just wanna know when the entire population decided to grow up and get married, while I'm still here figuring out my life. But maybe I am not supposed to figure out my life. Maybe I'm not supposed to figure out myself. Maybe that's the funny thing about life after all... maybe it's just a day to day thing. One roller coaster ride after another...
Maybe my life will be as scattered as I am... because for the most part it is.
So, don't get me wrong... I'm not ready to rush my life by any means... and I'm not cutting down those that have all of those things. Because I could not be more happy for my friends and everyone that has that.
I'm just curious as to when will it be my turn...
will I really end up with seven cats and myself. I mean I am pretty entertaining SOLO, but really. Let's hope it doesn't come down to that ten years from now...

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

backstreets BACK

Backstreets back? Let's be serious they never left. they have been going strong for 17 years. I'll never forget, what was it fifth grade when they got huge? I was SO YOUNG. Now i'm 21, time flies. I thought I was in love with them before, but I am OBSESSED now. Nick did moves that I didn't think were possible for a boy to do. Brian is just incredible. I could stare at his smile for hours, and not get sick of it. Howie, well.. adorable as usual. And AJ keeping all together with the style and swagger. Like what more could you want from a boy band. BACKSTREET is LEGIT. The concert was incredible. They played all my FAVORITE songs, I rocked out the ENTIRE time. No worries. I threw a fist pump or two in. A little dance moves here and there and just sang my little heart out.

There are just no words for them. They are incredible talented guys, guys? THEY ARE MEN. And I'm in love. There songs are incredible. Okay, so kind of depressing for the most part. But there was something about singing the song with them on stage and my hands in the air that made it different from being in my car, windows down, blaring it. I can't explain it. Best concert I have ever been too, and I thought this was the end. No chance. They are in the studio still recording, they never seem to disappoint me, EVER.

This by far has been a great summer and it's only the first week VEGAS in a month, alrightttt. Get ittttt ;)) GOT IT? GOOD!!!

Saturday, May 29, 2010


Could I be any more excited about my life right now? NO.
I thought that life couldn't get any better, welll.. shockingly it can. Life has been nothing but one smile after the next, no complaining here.
I saw Sex and the City 2 yesterday, and let me tell you I thought I was OBSESSED with it before. I am now even more obsessed. Let's just say I finally came to the realization that I am Charlotte. To a TEE, but I can't complain, she's adorable. I would like the attitude of Samantha.. but hopefully I can gain that over time. The fashion in this movie is INSANE. I am not a heel girl, but after seeing this movie. I am OBSESSED with heels. I want so many, don't worry I bought a new pair of black heels today. They are adorable !! I want all of Carrie's clothes in the movie... she's so chic I LOVE IT.

As far as being obsessed with fashion even more than usual. Let's be real I want to stand out from the crowd.
Summer school is OVER. Brandi, Paige, and I are going to DISNEY tomorrow. HAPPIEST place on EARTH !!

Then the backstreet boys concert is on Tuesday night. Let's talk about a fun filled week. And it's my official week of SUMMER. How more exciting could this be?

Oh, and I started my diet. Grilled chicken and fruit and yogurt parfaits are my life. Also running the lake. Ya know. Love feeling good about my body.

It's storming right now and I'm about to paint my nails... black? nah... not feeling emo. I'm feeling HAPPY :)

untilll... next time !

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

no shame.

So I don't know when it became okay for gross older men to be well insanely disgusting and vulgar. I work at a sports bar so I mean of course there is an occasional drunk or two saying something that you blow off. Well NOT TODAY. this man took it to a different level. He's a regular... who well by the sounds of the arguments him and his "woman" have he's pretty much a 67 year old p-i-m-p, if you will. He has two women living with him, and he gets whatever he wants from the both of them. So today I'm taking a order you know minding my business, and I feel the stare. You know the kinda stare like someone is seriously checking you out, and who might you guess it is. YEAUP, captain himself. (He was in the navy or what not for however many years, this is how we distinguish him from the rest of the regulars) it's all in the name. Once you have a nick name on the tab, you're semi legit. Sometimes I make fun ones like little head, weird ears, or something boring like what they are wearing. If they make me mad I'll call them other things, but I try not to. Anyway back on track. So he is legit staring. I walk behind the bar and he looks at me and goes, "you have nice legs... you know your feet are down on one end and on the other end well you knowww.." and chuckles. Uhmmm.. excuse me while I just threw up in my mouth. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Who is their right mind says that. And his lady friend just looks at me and goes he's crazy. My mouth was dropped the entire time. Like for real. That did not just come out of his mouth. Scarred for life. Men disgust me. EVERY man, boy, guy whatever they are all disgusting in my eyes.

Summer school is moving right a long... sitting in a class for three hours is kind of a buzz kill. My teacher is way too up beat for me, and I'm up beat... so that takes her to a whole other level. Maybe it's the fact that I roll out of bed in my pajamas literally and get on to class. Where there are don't worry seven students. I can't do a thing in this class. Don't worry I get caught. I was texting today, and the teach calls me out. "Cierra who you talking to ?" Me I of course say, "NO ONE." But then continue to tell her it was my mom... lie? no. It was my mom. So in your face teach, chuckle one more time.

I finished my Carrie Diaries. The girl from sex and the city. They made a book before Carrie went to New York. I have to say, its phenomenal. I can't wait for the movie to come out and to see all the fashionnnn. So exciteddd. And shrek comes out this weekend. Wow, I quote that movie like its my j-o-b. "and in the morning i'm making wafffflesss." Let's be real donkey is a number one fav.

So work and school consume my life, but don't worry I occupy my time with a lot of other stuff. I am enjoying my summer to the fullest you better believe it. Never a dull moment in my life... trust me. When you think it's over your phone lights up... and could it, was it, himmmm?

Another story for another time...
until next time :)

Monday, May 17, 2010

one step at a time..

today was a good day. this picture is my mood to life right now. like get out ma face ;) HA !
i realized that time does heal all things.
i realized what i deserve.
i realized a lot.
my stomach feels better. THANK GAH!
i bought an adorable betsey bracelet today. ha, shallow but it made me smile.
and some girl called me a DOLL. she said my look and clothes were unique. heck yes. i'll take it for what it's worth.

i actually went to forever 21 and didnt buy a thing. shocking, yes.
i did buy a new dress at jcrew.
i am currently in the process of learning to save my money. i want to visit rexburg. and i al ready have a trip planned to vegasss. VEGASSSS. it's going to be a good summer. i can't wait to see what God has in store for my life.
people are brought in and out of my life everyday. three words...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

all i need is a hair cut, and STAT. i haven't decided what i am going to do. butttt a dramatic a line. uhuhhh. and a new outfit. i'm working on the outfit now. going shopping now :)


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

just hits you.

So, they say it just hits you. Like a ton of bricks. A box of rocks. Anything. You just wake up one day, and you take back control of YOUR life. The life he "thought" or you at least you thought he robbed you of. Wrong, you are a woman. All you need is yourself, and maybe a cute outfit and some friends. Which of course I have completely under control. But it's my life. I'm in control. Technically I didn't have this epiphany while I arose at 7 or 8 in the morning. I was simply driving home listening to Bullet Proof, and it HIT ME like a ton of bricks. WHAT ARE YOU DOING CIERRA? This isn't you. Take your life back. Get YOU BACK. Not the fake you forcing a smile but YOU. So my stomach may be in knots and it make take me a few days maybe a week. But I am in the drivers seat now. I realized I don't need you, and I will not allow you to continue to have control of my life.
So Cierra's plan now. Since I do tend to refer to myself in the third person, because it makes me sound more legit.

Get my life back (CHECK)
Get a hair cut (Because after a break up what better than to cut the hair)
Get a new outfit (or a couple, because looking good and holding my head high is what it's all about)

and when I do happen to see you again, I'll act as if I didn't know you... Oh, wait I never knew you.
Change is good... and change happens everyday. But I'm back in control of MY LIFE.

uhuh :)

Good Men?

Well I got back to florida sunday night. Paige and Brandi picked me up at the airport. back to life, back to reality. OR a really somber alone reality. See it's summer here at school which means it's DEAD. NO ONE is here. So I find myself occupying my time with of course my own summer classes I decided to take since I have transfered once and back. My life it's complicating. I went to Idaho because I wanted something different. Not per say for "Christopher" although those speculated. Christopher wasn't even in Idaho at the time. I was wrapped up, and I went. And I am ever so thankful because I grew so much, and met some incredible people in which I still keep in contact with. But when my life threw me for a curve ball and Christopher came home, I screwed up and went back to him regardless of what my heart was telling me. Is it that I was just thinking Mr.Right Now? Or was I missing the fact that I had clearly fallen in love with my best friend, Pace Simpson. For whatever reason I broke Pace's heart. And now for that reason I am beginning to believe in TRUE karma.
I did everything in my power to win him back, and I thought I had. But maybe when a heart breaks it doesn't truly heal. Maybe the best thing for us to have done was to never go back. It was never possible. There are literally a hundred what if's going through my head right now. The rooms spinning, and its day two without food. My stomach has gotten used to the idea of not eating, and my body has gotten used to the idea of waking up every hour on the hour for which I get no sort of sleep possible. If you could take something back could you? If I could what would I have done differently. Treated Pace differently not taken him for granted the last three years. He was my best friend though, my go to guy. I didn't see it like that until he came to Virginia to visit. I fell in love, I'm still in love. I guess that would explain the whole sick to my stomach don't care about life, love or anything kind of attitude I have right now. Maybe I fell in love to late. Maybe I was too late. Maybe this was his plan all along get back with her and tear her apart just like I had done to him. For whatever reason it's over.. and for whatever reason I'm left here alone.. contemplating life without him. I never thought there could be life without him. But I'm 21 right? Life goes on. The world spins madly on, no matter if I want to stop it or not. I can't change it and I can't get him back. There is no answer. There is only time. Time, to heal my heart... time to discover myself again. TIME. In the meantime of the heartache I read to distract my mind, and I run to distract my mind EVEN more. I have school and myself to worry about. I just got to get through the summer. Someone out there is gonna love me for me and all of me. At least I hope so...

Where have all the good men gone?