Tuesday, August 31, 2010

floriDUH.. sunSHINE state!

another week.
here in sunny florida. or is it? because i am pretty sure that two hurricanes are headed this way.
the breeze feels nice. however, i could do without the rain.
my hair frizzes. CUT tomorrow. a little shorter. bangs. the whole deal.
21 credits is al ready kicking my butt. i find myself al ready stressed.
but i breathe. and pray. and stay calm.
life is amazing. i am SO happy. so content. and just happy focusing on myself.
and my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
so here at SEU they offer us to go to Israel for a semester, however i don't want to be another semester behind.
BUT today they informed us the first 35 students to pay and sign up WILL go this summer.
five weeks. WHERE JESUS walked. everywhere. the feeling the emotion. the spirit.
i knew right then and there. i HAVE to go. i am MEANT to go.
i will DO anything. i am praying like crazy.
it won't leave my mind. I HAVE TO GO. what an experience.
like once in a lifetime.
just can't even imagine. can't bring it to words.
as far as everything else in life. loving life.
working out. classes. homework. great talks. good laughs.
SEU has such a spirit here on campus that you can't describe.
i feel the spirit everywhere.
i love the woman i am becoming each and every day.
i am molding into who i will be. as a wife. a mother. and woman to expand Heavenly Father's kingdom.
my life begins today.

this is what i choose.
this is my life.
one day. one BEAUTIFUL day at a time.
tomorrow will be even better than today.
it just HAS to be.

Heavenly Father has a plan. and i am learning to not plan out my life... and just wait for his plan.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

classes. chaos. running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
it feels so amazing to be back. i am so fortunate to have parents who pay for me to go to such a wonderful and uplifting school. i am truly blessed and i owe it all to my mommy and daddy.
without them i would not be here. getting the experience of a lifetime.
day two of class today. added another. now will consist of four consecutive classes.
plus chapel. oh and 6 am p90x... and my night class with meesa.
exhausted on tuesday and thursdays might be an understatement.
monday wednesday and friday will be a breeze.
it's hard going all summer with no work to now all this school work.
overwhelming. boggles my mind at times.
year and a half left of classes.
this semester is going to be amazing.
new friends. new people. new everything.
it's so refreshing and so exciting at the same time.
the weekend is approaching.
eeeKKKkk. can't wait to get crazy with the girls.
LOVEit. and life. of course.

"i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

chapel has been amazing. i feel God so close. i am so in tuned with the spirit.
such a GREAT feel here on campus.
tonight should be interesting....

should be.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

the past few days have gone by slow. BUT FAST. at the same time.
i left virginia, with tears in my eyes and bags packed to the fullest. 
the flight was delayed. for two hours. hurricane season is not something i enjoy about florida.
after awaiting a long time, i finally arrived in orlando, florida.
took the drive to lakeland, which took 45 minutes.
got to lakeland, with no way to check in my room here at school.
i was homeless. luckily i have friends. reuniting and being with people i haven't seen all summer is well...
PERFECT! i love my friends. i love laughing. i love staying up talking about EVERYTHING
that happened this summer. catching up is so fun. but it's like none of us ever left.
we picked up right where we LEFT.
i moved in the following day. in pouring down rain. finally got settled. 
FINALLY feels like home. 
again... PERFECT.
i am trying to not be stressed with school and everything. 
it's coming so fast. 8 am class tomorrow. and just SO much to get figured out.
ahhhHH... but life is amaZIINGGG.
i have been bouncing from group to group... people to people. just meeting, mingling, and loving life.
WHO wouldn't? honestlyyyy.
enjoying every second of my life.
God is going to work in amazing ways this semester. i FEEL it.
i woke up at 6 am this morning. p90x. 
stretching and yoga in the mix. with the great view of an entire soccer team.
who could complain. not me and my chinky eyes at 6 am thats for sure.
BUT it gave me the energy and spirit i needed for today.
i have been figuring out school. money. a job. life. and everything all today.
still getting settled.
LOVE my room mates. LOVE even more that they are two of my best friends.
oh, and whoever was wondering girl world is finally at peace.
how you ask.... simple. I AM A BETTER PERSON.
i prayed for the strength and God gave it to me. 
i aspire to be like Christ each and every day... and i feel better with the strength God has given me.
smiles. laughs. no DRAMA. 
tonight hunger and thirst. i hunger to be closer to Heavenly Father.
i thirst for it alllll. that relationship with Heavenly Father. that closeness. 
if i have HIM that is all i need. 

tomorrow is class. another semester. soaking everything up.
livin' day by day. 

Friday, August 20, 2010

i don't want to leave.
i'm not ready.
i feel like this is the millionth time i'm leaving.
i'm a senior this year. in college.
well plus a semester.
but still senior.
i've been in college for four years.
how insane. how crazy.
i am so over moving back and forth.
i can't wait for the day that i am not so scattered. 
leaving stuff here and there.
at my home.
i'll miss it. everything.
my family, my friends, just my home.
i'll miss my bed. my room. how i still get scared in my own room.
i'll miss waking up to birds chirping. to the sun beaming in on my face. waking me up.
i'll miss laying by my pool. listening to music. drinking a cherry limeade. 
ahhh... home.
my mom, my dad, my brother. my family.
missing you al ready.
more than you know or will ever realize.
i won't get much sleep tonight. a lot on my mind.
just not ready to leave. i hate goodbyes.
why does this one seem different then all the rest.
i'll be seeing you virginia... it was fun for these last few months.
i'm glad i can always call you home.
so i kind of have an obsession with trunks.
i have two from my great grand parents.
they hold things from my childhood that i want to pass down to my children. (girls). i guess you could call them my hope chests. or my memory chests.
well i got a NEW one. obsessed.
is an understatement. my dad got it for me.
it came with stickers all over it.
just random places where of course i WANT to go.
hope to go.
now i WANT to add my stickers from places i've been.
something i can pass down to my children. i find it exciting.
of course i have been to a lot of places, so i am hoping i can get stickers from online.
it is an obsession.
this trunk is different.
this trunk holds everything up to now.
from middle school. to high school. to college. to NOW.
filled with old memories. old friends. letters. EVERYTHING.
ballerina costumes. cheering uniforms. A LOT.
and it all fit.
ALL my printed pictures. all my accomplishments.
all happy memories.
some sad. but MOST good memories.
it was so fun to put everything in there and see the ending.
it was FUN.
it was like re-living all those years.
some embarrassing. some obsessions. heartaches. puppy love.
ahhh... it's just funny the things i kept.
now it is all in one chest.
i now have three chests.
should make moving A LOT more easy.

when the time comes out.
did i mention i can't even lift it now.
yea, hahaha A LOT of memories.
i can't to be old and look back on my life.
no regrets.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

no words. no thoughts. or a million thoughts running through my head.
that's what i didn't know for nine years.
that's what i had to look forward to.
like whattttt.
mind blowing.

like you told me stuff i needed to hear.
you said things no one has ever said to me.
it was sweet. it made me smile. heck, it made me giggle.
but thanks, for making me smile.
thanks for saying what you have been afraid to say.
sorry i made you nervous. sorry i was ever mean.

stillllll... speechless.
still in shock. did that just happen?
i was there right? like, memories surrounded us.
it's funny, i never knew what you told me.
i never stopped to know.
i should pay better attention. i should have looked at you differently.
but what memories we share.
through the arguments, and laughs, and cries. there was still something.
that something showed itself.

i just want to say thanks to you.
you helped me. and whether you know it or not you mean something to me.
we'll always be those friends.
those same friends we were.
and will be. in years to come.

still in shock. still speechless.
and STILL asking myself did that just happen.
yes, cierra it did just happen.

we went out with a bang, a well awaited bang.
two nights left in virginia.
for quite some time.
as i sit in my room i ponder on a lot.
who i was when i came home this time.
plans, thoughts, and goals.
all which have changed. for the BETTER.
i came home torn.
i leave content. not torn.
i leave with a state of sadness. because of my family. and because of what this summer has done for me.
it has been rough. it has surely had it's ups and downs.
i affected those around me, and more importantly i affected myself.
i never want to be at that place again.
i am beginning to learn to make choices for myself and no one else.
few things in life i have done for myself.
being baptized in the church of jesus christ being one.
two years ago last month i was baptized. i still remember that feeling.
how the water felt. how i FELT. more importantly.
when i came out of the water what joy, happiness. nothing else mattered.
i knew i had made the right decision. 
i remember going into the bathroom to change. looking well rather gross. but not caring.
i jumped up and down scattering water every where in my little white jump suit.
i have struggled with that decision ever since.
parents, friends, family, and others question my faith and question me.
question my motives and more times then others what start in friendly discussions end in a heated religious debate.
i never once asked for someone to understand. but its hard being a convert. i struggle EVERY DAY.
and not saying regular members do not struggle. but it is hard keeping your faith strong when everything around you is telling you to do other wise. 
i have been active, non active, active, active, then not active again.
it's a struggle every day.
but i make it through.
i know everyones faith is tested. i just remember back to those feelings.
on that day. and i smile.
because i made that decision on my own.
i did.
for me. and myself.
one decision i made all by myself and for myself.
it's been one of my only right decisions. 

i thank the people in my life that keep my faith alive. keep me alive. my spirit and righteousness. 
god knows where my heart is, and he knows me.
i am forever grateful for my heavenly father and all the blessings that he has given me.
for giving me agency to make the decisions i do in life.
the right decisions. the right way. the right path.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

you know that feeling. that you overcame something.
that you made it to that point. and once you hit that point there is no turning back.
like you know after making it to that point nothing changes.
well i made it.
the day before last.
then my phone rang. it was a number i once knew. a number i secretly wanted to see.
but i didn't. but then i did.
all the emotions ran back. that took seven days to simmer.
and on the seventh day God rest. this was my rest.
my seventh day. MY SEVENTH day.
and you ruined that. YOU always ruin everything.
you ruined us. you you you.
but thanks for the help you gave. for a split second it felt as if you cared again.
but you care for me just as you care for the next girl. you would have done it for anyone.
i'm no different. i never have been.
i'm a friend. love is different when you aren't "in love" with someone. thanks for showing me that.

see i will believe in love again. I WILL.
i will get it. that insane. breathtaking. heart ponding. palms sweating. butterfly stomach. romantic nightttts.
someone out there is going to love me for me.
no in between.
every little silly. quirky. weird. crazy. funny thing about me.
they will love the little things about me.
not notice my flaws. be infatuated with me and with being with me.
i can't wait for someone to look at me like i'm the only girl in the room.
like they have never seen a single soul until they saw me.
what bliss.
what a hope. dream. what a thoughtttt.
i know you're out there... and you're waiting for me just like i'm waiting for you.

come find me... when i'm ready. better yet when you're ready.
i'll still be here... becoming who i need to become for you.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

you know that feeling of sure bliss.
the feeling of doing absolutely nothing.
that was MY DAY.
allll dayyyyy.

i loved itttt. 
every second.
happiness is a choice. and i choose it.
it is the greatest feeling.

this time next week i'll be in florida.
mixed emotions. happy/sad
i'm ready to see what God has in store for me this semester.
but i'm going to miss my family.

i laughed so hard today with my mom.
that i fell to the floor.
i love that feeling of laughing til tears swell up in your eyes.
i haven't laughed that hard in forever.

i love that feeling.
i love being home.
watching old movies. being carefree, and young.
because i am young.
i LOVE my life.

i have so many blessings. so much going for me.
God is truly good. all day. every dayyy.
eat pray love has inspired me.
has made me look at my life in a whole new way.
God has a plan for me.
not on my time, but his time.
and i'm ready for the journey.
i'm ready to trust.
i've gained that happiness back.

eat pray love quotes.
"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. "

"You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions."

"Eventually everything goes away."

"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control."

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..."

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

and, believe in LOVE again....
i figured i would start reading the actual book that has been sitting on my book shelf for quite sometime.
this is exactly what i needed. exactly.
i'll look back and all of this will be a memory. you will be a memory. but i now know it's okay to miss you, it is... but then let it go. goodbye to who i used to know. hello to who i am yet to know.
love my life. and all i'm learning on a daily basis.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

a good morning run. a solid lay out with girl talk non stop with courtney.
we of course incorporated sonic drinks within the mix. and continued girl talk.
talks of life, love, happiness, friends, LIFE, MORE love, sadness, along with giggles and laughs.
i love laughing. i love laugh lines. its beautiful to me.

there is nothing better then showering after a long day in the sun.
i love when my nose gets red. i find it super cute.
i decided to try and part my hair in the middle.
my bangs are getting long. i'm growing them out.
it's fun to change up. i'm not sure how i feel about it.

got ready. dinner with the parents. full of buttered rolls. and a caesar salad.

sitting waiting for the storm. complete my day.
with rain, thunder, and wind.
LOVE ITT. loveee lifeee. love it alllll.

i extended my time of being home.leaving for flor-i-DUH on saturday(i think)
i love not knowing my next move in life.
but they all expect me to react. i know what they are all thinking.
i won't.
i'm better than that. than you. than HER.
kill em' with kindness. and laugh inside.
she'll never be me, NEVER.

i'm irreplaceable.
players don't die they just try their luck at another game...
true story.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

i have a bunch of thoughts right now.
how well i'm doing. and how happy i actually am.
i have no more tears to cry.
no more sad songs to hear.
too late for you. not soon enough for me.
you barely cross my mind.
i rarely think of you.
i never thought i would get to that point. but I DID. me all by myself.
so strong. so powerful. so me.
so in control. my life, it's back.

three simple words life went on... without you (:
you'll look back and miss me, and i'll look back and laugh.
it's a new chapter. new life. new me.

this time next week i'll be in florida.
a week from then school will start.
and i'm more then okay.
i'm ready. and I REALLY AM.

california on my mind more than ever.
life takes a turn, for the better.

i'm loving it all. and learning so much about myself and who i want to be.
and who i want in my life.