Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Good Men?

Well I got back to florida sunday night. Paige and Brandi picked me up at the airport. back to life, back to reality. OR a really somber alone reality. See it's summer here at school which means it's DEAD. NO ONE is here. So I find myself occupying my time with of course my own summer classes I decided to take since I have transfered once and back. My life it's complicating. I went to Idaho because I wanted something different. Not per say for "Christopher" although those speculated. Christopher wasn't even in Idaho at the time. I was wrapped up, and I went. And I am ever so thankful because I grew so much, and met some incredible people in which I still keep in contact with. But when my life threw me for a curve ball and Christopher came home, I screwed up and went back to him regardless of what my heart was telling me. Is it that I was just thinking Mr.Right Now? Or was I missing the fact that I had clearly fallen in love with my best friend, Pace Simpson. For whatever reason I broke Pace's heart. And now for that reason I am beginning to believe in TRUE karma.
I did everything in my power to win him back, and I thought I had. But maybe when a heart breaks it doesn't truly heal. Maybe the best thing for us to have done was to never go back. It was never possible. There are literally a hundred what if's going through my head right now. The rooms spinning, and its day two without food. My stomach has gotten used to the idea of not eating, and my body has gotten used to the idea of waking up every hour on the hour for which I get no sort of sleep possible. If you could take something back could you? If I could what would I have done differently. Treated Pace differently not taken him for granted the last three years. He was my best friend though, my go to guy. I didn't see it like that until he came to Virginia to visit. I fell in love, I'm still in love. I guess that would explain the whole sick to my stomach don't care about life, love or anything kind of attitude I have right now. Maybe I fell in love to late. Maybe I was too late. Maybe this was his plan all along get back with her and tear her apart just like I had done to him. For whatever reason it's over.. and for whatever reason I'm left here alone.. contemplating life without him. I never thought there could be life without him. But I'm 21 right? Life goes on. The world spins madly on, no matter if I want to stop it or not. I can't change it and I can't get him back. There is no answer. There is only time. Time, to heal my heart... time to discover myself again. TIME. In the meantime of the heartache I read to distract my mind, and I run to distract my mind EVEN more. I have school and myself to worry about. I just got to get through the summer. Someone out there is gonna love me for me and all of me. At least I hope so...

Where have all the good men gone?

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